Today is the third day in a row where our skies have been ominously overcast and grey. We had this rushing cold front drop us down to a high in the 20s, and we actually had freezing rain instead of snow, but we’re just stuck in this stasis of nothing. It’s humid and miserably cold because of the humidity, but it won’t just snow already. We’ve have just enough moisture to muck up our roads with a sheen of ice, but no snow which would have formed a snow pack and made it easier to drive on.
Personally, I feel like an addict who is being denied sunshine, and I crave the sun. I’ve been rudely dumped in what I call the winter time blues that I haven’t experienced in years. After the overwhelming hustle and bustle of the holidays, January is anti-climatic, lackluster and boring, and in my younger years I was always left feeling like I was missing out on something or just missing some point. Like there was something just at the edge of my field of vision, but it didn’t matter how quickly I turned. There was never anything real there.
My dissatisfaction and unhappiness led me to walk into a mega church in Irving, Texas. I was searching for something, but I rode my self-loathing and anger like I was entitled to it right in the front doors. I wrapped both around myself like a shield, and I put up every mental barrier that I had and braced myself for cult like behavior…and braced for it…and braced for it.
I look back on it and laugh now. Truthfully, I didn’t find Jesus that day. He had already found me years before when I stared into Satan’s face and recognized that evil walks this earth every day. Jesus was where he always is that day. He was waiting with perfect love and overwhelming acceptance, even for someone like me who was too proud to admit that I needed a savior and who had taken great pleasure in pulling others into my miserable puddle of anger and dissatisfaction.
In some respects, I’ve come a long way in the past six years. In others, I haven’t moved at all. I try to use my words now to build people up, to let them feel the reflected light of Jesus’ love, to not judge others, to love unconditionally, to trust in God’s overarching plan and to trust my place in it.
From my old mindset, I fail every day because of fear, but my perspective has changed. My daily battles and struggles give me opportunities to succeed. We lead by example as parents, and we lead by example as Christians. It is hard to feel the perfect love and overwhelming acceptance that Jesus feels for us. It is harder still to feel that love and acceptance for everyone on this planet, but we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. We are all worthy. We all matter. We are all well loved. Everyone deserves a second chance.
I’d like to thank you today for helping me succeed. This blog is one of my attempts to overcome fear and to project love into the world. I have an overwhelming feeling that the world needs more love to combat our hate right now, but I have been ignoring that feeling for 3 years because of feeling unworthy and too broken. Now every step forward represents success. Even if I need to take 777 steps, success starts with taking even one step forward, and the first step leads to the second step.
I’m going to leave you with Ephesians 5: 8-9. “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)”
It doesn’t say that we lived in darkness. We were darkness. We don’t live in light. We are the light. Go be the light, and shine love into someone’s life who desperately needs it. Make a choice, and reject the darkness.